I’m actually not sure where to start this post so I’m going to just start typing and see where it leads me.. which is pretty much how I’ve been running my days lately. I spend way too much time with my face in a computer screen, my fingers tapping on a keyboard, my hands gripping some electronic device.
I spend a lot of time on the internet.
Synchronicity strikes again. I’m listening to a Bing Futch song as I type this.. one I’ve not listened to before.. It’s called “I keep my distance” and the lyric that just popped up as I’m typing this is
one house, a sanctuary, is just a prison too
the world is so damn scary, but then that’s nothing new
all I need’s my computer and a phone
mail comes through the door slot, I get deliveries
books and software, weekly groceries
Look, I know this about myself. I hide. I think I’ve mentioned this before.
The internet is just another way for me to escape. I waste so. much. time. waiting for updates, likes and feedback from virtual strangers on the internet (caveat: some of you, I’ve gotten to know pretty darn well, and I’d even call you friends. I’m not good at making friends. A few of you I’ve even met in meatspace and I didn’t explode or anything. You know who you are.)
Even while knitting or spinning or sewing, my phone is still within reach. So I can check it.. and check it and check it… it’s .. a problem.
That’s me checking to see if you like me.
<insert stupid Sally Fields joke here>
This blog.. this blog was supposed to be an exercise is being myself and instead it’s turned into my typing out what I think you all want to hear.
I stopped being myself when I started writing for From Scratch Club because I didn’t want to reflect poorly on the readership there. But I don’t write for FSC anymore.
I wasn’t being myself which is the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen when I merged a bunch of my blogs together. I felt so compartmentalized and this site was supposed to be a place for me to be myself and yet I hid.. again. I mean, why am I so ashamed of who I am?
I’ve been watching Bing really share who he is on his new blog. He seems so willing to just be himself. I’m sure part of it is being a musician…. you kind of hafta put yourself out there when you create music. He’s authentic… he’s a real person. (I did meet him once… the dude has a vibe). I’m not going all fangrrl… I’m inspired.
I’ve been thinking a lot about living authentically. I’ve been thinking about all the things that I haven’t shared about myself.. of all the things that I haven’t posted about because I was worried that “people would thing I was weird”.
Gloves off, bitchez.