I had decided that 2017 was going to be the “year of doing” instead of the “year of thinking”. Because every year up until now has been the year of thinking.
Basically, I live in my head.
I read a crap ton of stuff and say “oh.. that’s interesting. That could really enhance my life”
And then I put the book down and forget about it. Seriously. No integration what so ever.
But I talk a good game for sure. I have notebooks that I carry with me… and sometimes leave them on my desk at work for days. I get my best ideas at work.. or in the shower. I write down ideas as I think of them in my handy notebook.
The irony here is not lost on me.
I have always had an obsession with paper products, notebooks, pens and the like.
I got these on sale for a dollar each and I had grand plans for these, boy did I ever.
Each one of these was going to be a sort of workbook for my magick correspondences. (I’m totally back into magick after years away.. more on that later.. and yes that “k” belongs there)
The green one was going to be for herbs and the purple one was for crystals and the blue for tarot study… or maybe it was the other way around. But it doesn’t matter because I opened one up and was overwhelmed with “where do I start?”
So then I had this idea that I would use loose leaf paper, so I bought some of that.. because, hey! I can’t screw up the order there, right? Just move the pages around!
But then I couldn’t read my handwriting.
So I started a blog to just catalog my tarot work (I’m working through Mary K. Greens 21 Ways to Read a Tarot Card) and also for my correspondences! Perfect! (you can’t find it.. don’t even try. It’s on a private installation of WordPress.. which took me days to set up to make pretty)
And then I ignored it.
I take avoidance of actually doing things to a new level. Seriously, if it was an Olympic Sport, I would totally take Gold… but then, I probably wouldn’t because I’d put off signing up.
Sensing a theme?
So I took a few minutes on my commute to sort of mentally explore what my issue with committing pen to paper, to putting words someplace, to doing a thing. ANYTHING and sticking with it.
And I remembered my previous efforts to journal.
These are my journals. You know what they all have in common?
Torn out pages. Yup.. they are essentially blank
I’d journal for a while and put it down and when I went back to it, I’d read what I wrote and I would be horrified. I’d be embarrassed at how silly or trivial things were. I didn’t enjoy looking at back at myself. I’d be… well.
Ashamed of the person I was.
OUCH. That was a tough one to pull out.
Funny things, words. You know what really got me thinking about this was a SuperGirl episode (tip: Season two is… clunky. But there are a few gems)
It was the Valentine’s Day Episode (barf) but it had Mxyzptlk in it so I had to watch it. (SPOILERS AHEAD). SuperGirl gets Mxyzptlk to “say” his name backwards, thus banishing him back to the 5th dimension by having him type it out in Kryptonian ….. um.. look.. if you can’t keep up with this geekiness, just go Google it and come back… Basically, she took what J’onn said eariler in the episode which is that on some planets, to write something down is to truly say it…
To write something down is to truly say it
Words on paper are the real thing. They capture a moment and not to be too glib but, really, that moment is gone before you’ve even finished writing, but they snag that moment and lock it down… you can’t pretend it never existed. It’s right there. Black and white.. refusing to be ignored and forgotten.
That is some scary shit, you guys.
When I first read about the Buddhist concept of “right speech” I was intrigued because how can Buddhists have something that is “right or wrong”.. it’s that sort of the anti-zen?
But what is really meant by right speech is “kind speech” or “mindful speech”. And here is the kicker. According to Tricycle:
The teaching about Right Speech assumes imperfection. Our “mistakes” are a vital part of our learning. We need to lie, exaggerate, embellish, use harsh and aggressive speech, engage in useless banter, and speak at inappropriate times, in order to experience how using speech in these ways creates tension in the body, agitation in the mind, and remorse in the heart. We also discover how unskillful speech degrades personal relationships and diminishes the possibility of peace in our world
Tension in the body. CHECK.
Agitation in the mind? YOU BETCHA
Remorse in the heart? LAWD YASS
It’s time to start being kind to myself again. Time to get over myself and accept that I’m not perfect dammit and that growth is a process and it’s time to right the words and write the words and accept the imperfections.