Good grief people. It’s just a penis.

Those of you who know me, know that I bat for the “All Girls Softball Team”. I married my lovely spouse the same year that the marriage equality bill passed in New York State.

I don’t think I’ve previously expressed how bothersome I find it that the United States is still very much.. well.. for lack of a better word “Puritan” country.

Out and out violence and torture is a-okay but someone slips a nip and the whole country goes up in arms.

Breastfeeding is “disgusting” instead of yanno.. food.

We don’t talk about sex but we can imagine all the evil evil things those “gays” are up to. (Honestly, mostly we’re just living our normal lives.. sorry to disappoint.)

The Gay Agenda
Source: My Pants are on Fire

A poorly written book about BDSM comes out and hits the best seller list and vanilla types are giggling and blushing and being all “OMG I read this book and it’s NAUGHTY! tee hee! “.

Incidentally, when I asked a someone exactly what the hell “50 Shades of Grey” was about, she called it Romantic Science Fiction… whut?.. it’s poorly written smut for the straight crowd. She was raving about this book but couldn’t tell me it was  BDSM Erotica?  Too embarrassed to say it out loud?

Reminds me of the time when I was in fifth grade and my friend and I stumbled upon her older brother’s Playboy Magazine.. that was my first look at a penis and I was .. well… unimpressed. My friend completely enthralled and stunned that I didn’t care to join her in her “pretending to be shocked while completely enthralled” afternoon of “OMG IT’S A PENIS” giggling.

When I was a teenager, my mother bought me a Playgirl magazine. I have no idea why. I’ve never asked her.. (Note to self: ask Mom ….what the hell?). Again, unimpressed. Naked people doing things naked people do. Whatevs.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am not one to shimmy out of my clothes and prance around …anymore.. it’s cute when you’re 5 years old right? I do have a sense of modesty. However, when I was in college and I had an opportunity to make a little extra money modeling nude for the arts program, I was already to sign up. The only thing that stopped me was my boyfriend. He was a little.. well, he didn’t like the idea.

(Sidebar: I said boyfriend. I’d put myself on around a 4.5 on the Kinsey Scale. I grew up in a small town. You take what you can get)

A few weeks ago, I was listening to Howard Stern and they had sent someone to the Brony convention, which is a convention for men who like My Little Pony… and evidently there is a subculture of “Cloppers” who masturbate to My Little Pony.  

Unusual? Yes. Unheard of?  No.

Look..no ponies were harmed.. it’s a cartoon. No kids were molested.. they like CARTOON PONIES…   not kids.

It’s a paraphilia, sure,  but it’s not the only one in the world.   The Howard Stern cast was uncomfortable.. these are people that have had all manner of odd things in studio.. but Cartoon Pony Love? Too much for their brains.

Pick up a copy of “Tales from the Traveling Couch” and read about Charlie..the man who loved a real live polar bear.. and almost died. What’s a little cartoon pony love compared to that?

Why am I ranting about this today? Because I’m fed up with people overreacting to the banal. Chick-fil-a spending their money to bully me and mine aside, I was completely overwhelmed by some bullshit I saw on Ravelry today.

People, up in arms over…

a knitted penis.

I’m not kidding.

When all the ladies were making vaginas and uteruses (uteri?) and mailing them to their congresspeople to make a point about getting politics out of women’s ladygardens (hat tip to The Bloggess for coining the best euphemism ever), it seemed the pointy stick crowd was MOBILIZED! YES! Vagina Stuffies for EVERYONE!

But SOMEONE has the NERVE to make a knitted penis pattern.. for FUN and it’s “disgusting” or “sinful” or “shameful”.
Some of the comments on the pattern are.. stunning:

Ummm … you might want to make this and age sensitive pattern. There are kids on this site and I’m sure their parents want to explain what THAT, not a knitting/crochet/yarn website. Just a suggestion.

Yes, because children are born without any genitalia. They sprout automatically from their crotch the moment they turn 18.

I might be able to see the humor if this was on another web-sight for adults…..sorry, I don’t think it belongs on this sight either. Fills a need? Who’s??? And who would want to make it anyway. A joke gift?? buy a funny card!!
VERY POOR TASTE!

Crappy syntax aside, I don’t think it’s meant to be eaten. Save that for the flesh and blood penis.. although I’d also like to mention, I find the live penis has a very poor taste as well.. but some people like them, I hear.

This is utterly disgusting. To take life’s precious and short time to create something this despicable is an abomination. Nothing funny about it and a time waster!

Because trolling a knitting and crocheting website is an excellent use of your time. Also, sorry you have such a loathing for a part of the human anatomy. What did this poor knitted penis ever do to you?

What the fuck people?

There are plenty of people telling these pearl clutchers to chill the hell out.. but when I was describing this phenomenon to the Spouse she mentioned a New York Times article that is out about the Puritan state of America.

Professor Uhlmann and his colleagues also conducted an experiment to see if Americans shared the prudishness of the Puritans. They found that American students judged promiscuous women more harshly than British students did.

Which brings me to some other shit that gets on my nerves. The slut vs stud thing… and honestly, I really feel that women judge other women much more harshly when it comes to this. And let’s not forget the comments that Rush Limbaugh made suggesting that women who want their birth control paid for are SLUTS not RESPONSIBLE HUMAN BEINGS WHO HAPPEN TO HAVE SEX.

ugh.

I think I’m done ranting now… I think. I know this was a very circuitous post but basically it comes down to this.

If everyone would get their minds out of everyone else’s pants and focus on things like fixing the school system, the food industry and the health care system we could change the world people!

But no..that would require effort.. it’s much easier to scream out at the imagined Hester Prynnes and hang imaginary Scarlet letters on people and feel vindicated for judging another person and finding them lacking.

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As a child, Jeni fell in love with the Little House on the Prairie books, mostly because of all the wonderful things that were made at home from the simplest ingredients. Most weekends, Jeni can be found in her kitchen creating the basics for future meals. Culturing cheese and yogurt, breaking down larger cuts of meat into usable portions or for future grinding, fermenting cabbage, preserving fruits and veggies or dehydrating snacks of any variety keep her busy pretty much all weekend. When not involved in culinary pursuits, she enjoys knitting, crocheting, spinning and sewing as hobbies. She lives in Albany with her partner of 12 year and their bullmastiff.

2 Responses

  1. Adoxy
    Adoxy at | | Reply

    I will never be able to play MLP with my 5 year old god daughter again after reading this post, but ‘Cloppers’ aside, I wholeheartedly agree! Who knew that trolls existed on knitting sites? Is nothing sacred anymore! O_O

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